Not just for hippies anymore.....

Yesterday I went to a morning tea get together at my midwife , Sue's, office. It was for moms and moms to be. I had not attended one before and was finally able to make it. I was a little nervous because although I know that I am "normal" and not all weird and super hippie I kind of was expecting some really eccentric, out there mamas. I could not have been more wrong. I definitely learned a lesson, don't judge.

I walked in and it was a room full of beautiful women, women of all shapes and sizes, all different backgrounds, professions, walks of life. It was so amazing to feel surrounded by women who all had one thing in common, and as it turns out, its not that we all just wanted to have a home birth, we all wanted (want) just the best for our little ones, not just the babes we were carrying, but all the others (for some of us) at home. Its about researching, not just doing because someone with a title next their name tells you to do it, eat it, get it. I loved every single boob filled minute of it, and even that seemed like THE MOST natural thing in the world, at any given moment there were no less that 4 babies nursing. (awesome)

So the conversations flowed, the stories were told, and questions were answered. Some were there who had never had a midwife but only hospital births, there trying to decided if they wanted to go with a midwife/home birth, some had had all their babies at home, some had tried but had to be transferred to hospital, some were first time mamas, and some that had a mix, like me, hospital and home.

Its also not about doing what everyone else is doing either that is into the "natural" lifestyle, but its about all of us making our own choices, what works for us and not just for convenience but for what is right for us, our kids, our family unit. So one may breastfeed until age 4, another until age 2 and that is OK, and there was this feeling of acceptance, and love, and unity. We all know motherhood is hard and it felt like this little tribe, we are all there with this similar purpose and it was just amazing.

I started to realize (duh) that women are really starting to take birth and motherhood back. By that I mean, we aren't just doing what our mothers did, or doing what the doctor tells us, or what some book is telling us to do. We are doing our own research, trying new things, and doing what feels right to us. All the co-sleeping, cloth diaper wearing, breastfeeding longer than 6 months, Baltic amber teething necklace wearing, organic homemade baby food, well it just fits and feels like the most natural thing ever, and that we aren't all a bunch of hippies either....

10 things...

Just a quick one, a few things I have observed in the last few weeks of life:

1. Whoever said that if you have 2 kids then you can have more with no problem was lying. Its HARDER, but awesome :)

2. Breast-feeding is crazy time consuming and hard in the first few weeks, hard in that there is not really a pattern or schedule, it really is "feed on demand" and the demand seems constant.

3. Sticking with breast-feeding exclusively is paying off (finally), we are, in the last couple days, not constantly feeding and getting the hang of it.

4. I have more patience than I thought.

5. Having a baby at 21 and 28 are TOTALLY different experiences. (please refer to #4)

6. I LOVE the gym and cant wait to go back.

7. I am going dairy-free for awhile to see if that helps my little guy, apparently babies cant process the milk-protein in dairy products for about the first 6 months-kind of stinks because I love all things dairy.

8. Addison is such a big girl and not a baby at all like I thought, bittersweet.

9. Ethan has such a tenderness about him with his siblings, especially babies, that I find incredible.

10. I am glad we have 3 kids, I am glad we did it young, I wouldn't change this life for anything.

Mel x

The Story in Pictures

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The Birth of Jude...and the backstory to the decision...

I have always had this dream of having a homebirth. When I was pregnant with Ethan its something I wanted and we were considering, at the very least I wanted the natural birth experience. Unfortunately everything went wrong and he was born almost 6 weeks early via C-section due to pre-eclampsia. That was a HORRIBLE experience, I didn't see him for almost 24 hours, and when I did it was from a wheelchair and I was so out of it from the drugs etc I don't really remember it very well. Ethan was in the NICU for 7 days before we were able to bring him home, its a strange feeling leaving the hospital after having had a baby, without your baby!!

I experienced horrible post-partum depression (which went undiagnosed for 10 months) and thought I was the worst mother on the planet and couldn't understand/deal with why I was having such a hard time. I loved Ethan, but I didn't like him, and it has taken me a very long time to admit that. Let me just clarify that I am madly in love with my son and I like him very much :) I became somewhat obsessed with birth and what it means and how it affects women. I started researching post-partum depression and found that there were sooooo many women out there who, after having a birth, felt cheated and let down about the way their birth had gone, and it wasn't just C-sections, it was vaginal births as well, but with all sorts of interventions that, after the fact, the woman felt was really unnecessary and sort of forced upon them, or "highly recommended" by their doctor.

I learned that their was really a lot more to "giving birth" thing than just scheduling your induction or C-section and thats it. Its this whole process, psychological , emotional, and physical.

So on to baby number 2, Addison. I knew from almost the second Ethan was born that if/when I were to have another baby that I was going to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) I was absolutely determined, I did TONS of research on the topic and one of the reasons (among many) that we waited 4 years to have Addison was because I wanted to make sure that I had TOTALLY healed (my scar) and that I had as much going for me to have a successful VBAC as I possibly could.

So on to her birth, the entire time I was pregnant with her, I never doubted it would be what I wanted. I just believed it. I made it past 34.5 weeks and that was a huge milestone because thats when my blood pressure and everything else fell apart with Ethan. Finally I made it to my due date, I was ecstatic, however, I was told that if I went a week overdue I would have to have a repeat C-section. That terrified me, so I went in ON my due date for a membrane sweep, and thankfully it seemed to work because I went into labor that night. It was about midnight and I knew I was having contractions, we got to the hospital about 2am and I was dilated to a 6 (woohoo), the pain was getting more intense but manageable. Shortly after I got there the midwife (this was in England and unless there are complications a midwife attends your birth even in the hospital) offered me the shot of whatever it is that "takes the edge off", I accepted. (now in my birth plan I had stated I wanted to go au natural, and walk around and do all those things that a woman naturally feels like doing in labor anyways, but because I was a VBAC I had to be hooked onto the fetal monitor as soon as I got there, and stay hooked, so there went my movement except for the bed or right next to the bed, grr) so seeing as how I couldn't really "go with" my contractions taking the edge off sounded pretty darn nice. I HATED that shot, I felt totally out of control of myself, I said strange things and was in this strange passed out state in between contractions (not from tiredness but from being drugged), at one point I asked Gordon if he had bought the new refrigerator, we had no plans for one nor had we ever discussed this, just to put my drugged self into perspective :)

So at some point in my labor I got the "urge to push" so I was (not that you can help it, its an urge people that you have NO control over), well the midwife told me I shouldn't be pushing because apparently I was only an 8 (in retrospect, don't you think a woman's body knows how to give birth? and when? anyways thats another story) so she told me she thought I should get an epidural so I wouldn't push anymore, and at that point I was in the serious throws of labor, and heck yea, if someone is offering relief ANYONE would take it at that moment. So I get the darn epidural (which by the way was INSANE to sit still for because I was having pretty much back to back contractions and sitting still during that is pretty impossible) BUT it gets in there, and I am thinking at any second there will be sweet relief, oh wait about 3 mins after the epidural gets in I am told I am a 10 and can start pushing (gee thanks!!) Can I just say for the record I don't think I ever stopped pushing I just tried desperately not to let on like I was because, like I said, its an urge not a choice and I really had no control over that one!

Addison was born about 20 minutes after I "officially" started pushing, with permission and it really was so amazing, I mean she was on my chest immediately and she didn't leave me for about an hour at least, no taking her ANYWHERE for anything. Even when she did finally get taken to be weighed and things it was just right there next to the bed, and then right back to mommy. I felt a bond with her immediately and I realized I had not experienced with Ethan (which to this day breaks my heart and makes me cry if I dwell on it).

So yea for VBACs and I was beyond grateful and happy that I was able to experience a "natural birth" but...... still in the back of my mind and deep in my soul I just knew that there had to be an even greater experience. I didn't really dwell on it much and we weren't sure if we were going to have anymore kids. BUT low and behold we both knew that there was one more little person that was supposed to exist in our family, so we decided to go ahead one more time to make our family complete :)

BEFORE I was even pregnant I knew there was no way on this planet I was going to give birth in a hospital here in the states (nothing wrong with those who choose to, but for me I knew it would be a disaster) case in point, when I mentioned to my OB-GYN that we were trying for no.3 she told me that "Well you have had a VBAC so I will let you try, but if you hadn't had one then I would make you have a repeat C-section" ummmm make me huh, see ya!!

Option 2, Nurse-midwife in a hospital.

Hospital: "Sorry but we don't allow VBACs period in this hospital anymore."

Me: "Well I have had a natural birth already so I am sort of technically not a VBAC really anymore."

Hospital: "Tough bananas, the answer is no."

Me: "Ok then, see ya."

Option 3 (which was really my first choice anyways) HOMEBIRTH with a midwife. I had spoken to Sue (my midwife) before I was ever pregnant to ask questions, etc. So when I became pregnant I called her immediately to set up our first appointment. I saw her every 4 weeks throughout the pregnancy and every appointment lasted about an hour and that in itself was awesome, it was a relationship/friendship that developed over the 9 months. I know she has lots of clients but every time I saw her, I felt like I was her ONLY client, like she lived for my pregnancy and birth, which is a really awesome feeling.

As my due date got closer the appointments became more frequent (just like with an OB) and we really started focusing on the birth. At 37 weeks we got the birth-pool, and the supplies that would be needed at the birth. I was SOOOOO excited for this birth I could hardly stand it. I was so convinced that he was going to come around 38ish weeks being my 3rd and all. 38 weeks came and went, then 39 weeks, then 40 weeks, WHAT?!?! Anyone who has ever gone over their due date knows that every day that you go over feels like a year, its crazy. AND seeing as how not many people go over due to inductions, etc everyone that heard I was 1 day over, then 2, then 3, then 4 etc looked at me like I had two heads and immediately asked when I was getting induced. The two heads look became two head with an extra arm when I told them I was having a home birth and he would come out when he was ready to.

Not that I didn't try some natural induction techniques, we tried it all, even did the membrane sweeping, I walked about 400 miles in 2 weeks, and probably if you would have looked through my window you would have seen my holding onto a door handle or the stair banister with every braxton hicks contraction going into a super deep squat, and I bounced on my big ball so much I am surprised Jude didn't come out with a little round mark on the top of his head :)

I had a daily cry from 40 weeks onwards, and I started to feel really crazy, a million things went through my mind. "What if my body doesn't work this time?" "What if I have to have a repeat C-section?" "WHY is this baby not coming out?" I went through about 2 weeks of "false labor" symptoms, I would have my nightly contractions that never turned into anything more intense, I was dilated to a 4 at 40 weeks (so I was like any second now, right?!) WRONG.

FINALLY on day 7 past my due date, I went to bed having resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be the first woman in history to be pregnant forever. I woke up at 11pm, having a contraction and thinking, oh yea, here we go again, have one, have another, maybe even a few more then nothing. I fell back asleep and woke up again around midnight having another one. I decided to get up to pee and whilst peeing I had another contraction, stronger than I had been feeling. I decided to call Sue out of sheer frustration, if nothing else she could come over, check me tell me if ANYTHING was happening and whatever. So I call, she says she is on her way, and no sooner had I hung up the phone that I had another STRONG contraction. OOOO I am thinking maybe this really is it. Yep it was from that moment I had a contraction about every 3 minutes and they just got stronger and stronger. I wake Gordon up, wake my mom up, and they start filling up the pool, we have a hose going into from the shower and every pot we have on the stove to heat up water (because really like our water tank is going to stay hot long enough right). So while they are doing this, I am walking around the house. I had a few contractions in the living room, all by myself (which I actually liked) on my ball, but I decided that I didn't want to sit I wanted to MOVE with them. I got into this rhythm, feel a contraction coming, start (what my husband started calling) the "David Beckham dance" I just sort of jogged on my tippy toes or something and shook my hands to keep them loose, it really helped, oh yea and super breathing, big in and big out.

So, Sue arrives (about 1:10am) and starts getting all her stuff set up, and I just hang out in my bedroom having contractions and talking. Someone starts a pot of coffee, which was one of my favorite parts :) I know strange right, I think its because it symbolizes how relaxed the whole thing was..... how normal.

The contractions were getting stronger but I was doing ok, just even more dancing and breathing. Jude was doing fine too, she checked him on her hand held fetal monitor frequently. Finally the pool is ready and Sue asks if I want to be checked before I get in (see my choice, not mandatory or necessary) I said yes, just because I wanted to know my "starting point". So check, and she tells me I am dilated to a 10!!!!! I was like WHAT??!?! I couldn't believe it because I hadn't been freaking out in pain, I mean heck yea it hurt with each contraction, but I was TALKING to people, and walking around. That alone made me feel elated, she told me the only thing between me and my baby was that my water hadn't broken yet so there was the bag of water. I decided that I did NOT want her to break the water, and that if he ended up being born in his bag that would just be cool :)

I get into the pool and continue having contractions and I start to push a little, I didn't have a huge urge yet, but knowing I was a 10 and ready I thought I will help him along. It wasn't this great massive hold your breath and push with all your might thing either, it was just kind of this light pushing at first. THEN it started to get intense, fast.

My contractions became incredibly strong, and I really sort of went into myself with them. Both kids were up at this point (it was probably 2am by now) and Addison was really interested it seems, she stood next to the pool most of the time, Ethan was laying on our bed at this point kind of half asleep just observing.

Ok so the contractions are really really intense at this point and my urge to push is overwhelming and I was holding on to Gordon's hands, he was kneeling on the outside of the pool and I was on my knees leaning on the edge of the pool. Each contraction that I pushed I just remember squeezing his hands crazy hard.

I heard Sue say at one point something to the effect of "Your mama is going to roar in a minute." and I remember thinking what is she talking about, because up to this point I hadn't been yelling or anything crazy. Yep about that time a contraction hit, and my primalness (i like that word ok) took over and I pushed crazy style and yep, ROARED I like to compare it a tiger on acid or something. Well Ethan went UNDER his blanket and I was like what am I doing? why am I being so loud? and yet I had zero control over that. In between these crazy roaring, pushing contractions I remember telling the kids, mommy is ok, I am ok :) ROAR again.

Finally his head was out, and I remember saying THANK GOD, and then asking if someone could please just pull him out!!! They all politely declined :) Then Sue told ME to reach down and get him and about that time another contraction hit, I sort of leaned back and did NOT roar but pushed and reached down into the water and pulled up my son right into my arms, and in that moment my head went into space and I was in heaven. I was so amazed at what I had just done and what had just happened. I just leaned back and we cuddled, he was so calm, he didn't even cry he just laid on me looking all around, he let out one big squawk but that was it. He was super alert and it was truly the MOST incredible, amazing, out of this world feeling I have EVER EVER had. Ethan and Addison were immediately by the pool looking at him and talking to him, it was this instant love and it was awesome. There was no rushing to cut his cord, in fact it was really neat, we all took a turn feeling the cord pulsing goodness into him :) I just laid in the water for I don't it was probably like 5-10 mins (yes people it was bloody and crazy but who cares!) I didn't, finally when the cord stopped pulsing, Gordon cut it, we asked Ethan if he wanted to but he said no :)

Sue took him and gave him to daddy to hold while I got out of the pool and took a quick shower (right in my bathroom) and hopped into bed. We all just snuggled and talked and looked at him while Sue and Lindsey (Sue's apprentice) cleaned EVERYTHING up. Then finally she lays Jude out right there on the bed and does the newborn check on him, then he gets weighed in the coolest scale ever (pics below). She makes sure he is feeding well and then, its over, the kids are back in bed, everyone is gone, and its me, daddy and Jude cuddled up in bed its about 5:00am at this point. Crazy!!

I still am in awe of that happening, I mean it was just this most beautiful, calm, happy, intimate, on MY terms birth. NO drugs, NO interventions, nothing but birthing my child into this world. I believed in the process, I believed in my body, and I survived it.

I know that not everyone would feel comfortable or safe having a home birth, and I am not trying to say that other forms of birth aren't or can't be as rewarding or meaningful. I have had the full spectrum of births. I just hope and want woman to be educated and informed on birth, empower yourselves with knowledge and what birthing really means other than getting a baby out, its so so much more than that.

Jude is our last baby, we knew that almost from the beginning of the pregnancy. We are complete, our little family of 5. I am so grateful and blessed to have ended this phase of life on such an amazing high, to have experienced something so euphoric and truly life changing.

Mel x

Where did the last 4 months go??

Holy Cow!! It has been nearly 4 months since my last post. Pretty much since I started working I haven't posted anything. It has been a CRRRAAAZY 4 months. It was supposed to be a "part-time" job that seems to have taken up full-time in my head. Its been so much fun, and I plan on continuing to work from home exclusively (at least for quite a while) after the baby gets here, but for now I am really really looking forward to the break and just being a mommy.

I have two weeks left of going into the office 3 days a week, then HOME for the wait. I am 34 weeks 6 days pregnant, and we had our most recent midwife appointment this past Saturday. Everything is going great, the head is down and he is in a great position for the big journey. We get the birthing pool at the next visit (in two weeks) and then its really just the waiting game. I am so so excited, I feel so blessed to be able to experience a home-birth. I know a lot of people think its strange or unsafe, but we have done our research and I just think this is going to be the most amazing experience ever.

Addison starts preschool the first week of March, I hope she will enjoy it and I am doing it so I can have some alone time with the new baby, being the 3rd one I don't want him to never have just mommy all to himself, and vice versa :)

Ethan is starting skateboarding lessons tomorrow, which think is hilarious and awesome! He is so excited. Its a 5 week course, so we will see at the end if he has mastered it, as of right now, he has zero skills on that board. I will keep you posted.

Ok thats it, sorry there are no pictures, I am back on the blog-wagon, and I will get better at keeping it updated, WHEW. Ok thats it.

Mel x

35 weeks 6 days pregnant

Best Day Ever.....

June 6, 2009 will be forever in my memory. It was the day my husband was baptized. We have been married for 7 years, and in the beginning, when I knew we didn't share a faith, I didn't care. I had just been through so much with "church and religion" that I didn't much care for it, or think I needed or wanted it. I thought we were madly in love and that would get us through. I thought that if what I had seen of Christianity was what it was, then I would rather be with someone who had a genuine heart.

Thus started our life together, we had a child, went through some rough times, had another child. All the while I am growing as a person, and my own beliefs kept creeping into my mind. I did my best to push them aside, but I kept feeling this need, this desire to be reconnected to my faith. So we went to church sometimes, Gordon never objected, he said he would go to "support me", but to be honest I found it to hard to do that, knowing he didn't believe at all. So we just didn't go mostly.

When we moved to California, we started going to church again, off and on. Gordon asked a lot of questions, and he started listening to the christian radio station, ya know the one with all the preaching.

In March of this year we started attending our current church regularly. I still had a really hard time because it was really really hard especially at the end when they do the altar call and I would be praying with all my might that he would step down there, but he didn't. Then in April we had a big huge conversation, and he told me that he believed. It was a BIG conversation, I was shocked, happy, shocked, happy :)

Soon after we attended our churches 1o1 class, and afterwards Gordon met with a guy, Phil, and they talked for awhile. Gordon prayed with Phil and the next day after service Gordon was baptized.

God is faithful, and miracles happen. Our lives are forever changed, and our marriage is more than I ever dreamed possible.

Blessings..

So my mom was here visiting this past weekend, and it was way to short but so great to have her here. The kids just love nanny and I enjoy the break :)

Loving their nanny

So Saturday my mom and I go out shopping for a couple hours and when we got home I noticed that the table in front of our house was all decorated cute like for a party. I immediately ask my mom what is going on and she is like "I have no idea", yea right!! So we go in the front door and there are all these people yelling surprise, and I am like "WHAT", it was a surprise birthday party for me!!! (yes my bday was a few weeks ago, but they wanted to throw it when my mom was here). I couldn't believe it, it was so pretty and nice, and more importantly I think I go around thinking that no one really likes me, or wants to be my friend, and yet here were all these people that I know and they were here for me, at my party!! It really made me think that instead of walking around not trusting people, or not believing that someone is just being nice to be because they have to be, that people REALLY do consider me their friend. I know kind of stupid to be so pessimistic but I have trust issues I guess, and I really get down on myself about who I am, and I need to believe more in the fact that I am worthy of friendship. BLAH BLAH ok, moving on.....

In their party hats :)

I don't have any pics because G said he couldn't find our camera, but it really was pretty. My friend, Claudia, who organized and decorated the whole thing did a wonderful job, I can't thank her enough!!

Gordon and Ethan carved out his pumpkin that he got at the school's pumpkin patch. He was so excited to put the candles in it and light them. He doesn't seem to understand why we can't leave the candles on ALL night, so every night is an entire discussion as to why we can't.

drawing the face

proud boy

Ethans favorite part

We had our first and most likely only ultrasound yesterday. We DID NOT find out the sex of the baby, even though it was super hard not too. We think that surprise moment will be amazing. Everything looks great with the baby, all healthy and right on schedule. The main reason I wanted to get the ultrasound was to make sure the placenta was nice and high, and not at all low lying. Great news, its on the top :) So that is just one more blessing, because that will not be an issue at all during the home birth.

Baby #3 at 18weeks

Today at MOPS was so fun, we had a swap meet, so everyone brought at least 5 items in, and then you just got to go through and pick out whatever you wanted, FOR FREE. So that was awesome!! I feel like I am starting to make some good friends there, one of the girls is trying to organize for our table to meet up for a night at a spa for reflexology and pedicures :) FUN.

Ethan and Addison amaze me daily. Ethan really is turning into such an amazing little guy. He is so kind with Addison (when he's not annoying her), and he tells her she is beautiful, and that he likes her new cute dress, or whatever. He tries to show her how to do things. Its so so sweet.

Addison's personality is really really developing, she is stubborn, super super funny. Loves to talk (wish I could understand her), likes to just hang out next to anyone, as long as someone is near her, she is happy.

Addison would not take of Ethans helmet this morning

The new baby is getting really active in the belly. Kicks constantly, even the ultrasound tech said it was a really active baby, hehe just as I was typing that I got a big kick :) I so can't wait to meet him/her. We are ready to just have this person in our family and settle into to being a family of 5!!!

Ok thats about it for now. Not much planned this weekend, just relaxing with my favorite people. Hope you are all doing well.

Mel x